OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
