6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
