i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
