I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
