I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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