theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
