I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
