i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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