just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
