you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
