You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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