I like to think it a success when the cops are called
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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