why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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