So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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