dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
