That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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