Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
