We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize