I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
