i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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