1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
