my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
