How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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