The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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