Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
