Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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