The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
