I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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