I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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