You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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