I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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