Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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