Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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