when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
