I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize