I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
