You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
