You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
