My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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