Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
