it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I stole a fireplace last night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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