dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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