I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize