And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
