I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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