98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
