He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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