So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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