Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
