does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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