ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
