i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
