Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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