Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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