Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
