You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
