I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
