woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
