That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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