Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
