i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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