I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
