3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
