Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
