im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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