If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
