he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
