Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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