id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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