When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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