btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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