I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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